My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
