I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I met the friendliest cop last night
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
