Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
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