Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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