So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Randomize
