Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Picture Ja Rule and 50 Cent having a sexy full grown love child son...He's on my bus right now, wearing an outside jacket with no shirt underneath. My fashion sense and libido are fighting it out.I'll keep you posted on who wins.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
