Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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