his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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