Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
