she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Randomize
