i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Randomize
