i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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