I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
