Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize