How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
