the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
