I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Randomize
