Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
