i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
We need to rekindle our bromance
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
