the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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