I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Randomize
