I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
