2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Randomize
