he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
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