I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Randomize
