the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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