I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
