My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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