I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Randomize
