I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Randomize
