I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
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