Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
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