i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
