I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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