you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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