How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
