I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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