Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
