So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
