She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Houston, we have a squirter
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
