How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
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