I threw up into my coffee this morning.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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