i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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