Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
