I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
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