Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Randomize
