"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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