I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
