Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Randomize
