i think my tv is drunk
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Randomize
