I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
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