He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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