allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
