i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize