I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
