Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
