well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
